Meet Your 2011 INDYCAR Sponsors…

Penske announced this week that AAA (or a division of it) will be an associate sponsor of Helio’s car in Long Beach for 2011. Which got me thinking… wouldn’t it make more sense for a company of that nature to sponsor, say, Sato’s car? I’m just sayin.’

So the wheels started spinning and after much deliberation, I’ve gone ahead and solved all 2011 sponsorship issues. Below are my suggestions for both a sponsor and a promo angle. You’re welcome.

Dan Wheldon
Crest Whitening Strips: “Pass on the high side and don’t look directly at the grill.”

Sarah Fisher
Butler University: “Teaching good business decisions. Period.”

Will Power
Your local gambling bookie: “Making a fortune on your early 2010 predictions.”
Associate sponsor: Foster’s beer

Scott Dixon
Yamaha recording equipment: “Recording just one post-race interview should cover the season.”
Associate sponsor: @MilliVanilli (“Getting someone else to tweet for you”)

Marco Andretti
Paris Hilton’s perfume: “We’re guessing he’s already got it on.”
Associate sponsor: Conjure Cognac by Ludacris

Ryan Briscoe
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas: “Screw holiday spirit & new sponsors. Who can we steal from?”
Associate sponsor: No Child Left Behind Act

Justin Wilson
Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches: “Because Justin Wilson is awesome. And let’s face it… so is Jimmy John’s.”

Dario Franchitti
Country Music Awards: *banjo riff* “We know where all of Dario’s fans come from.”

Milka Duno
EpicFail.com: “Yellow for debris? It’s probably Milka’s last shred of talent.”
Associate sponsor: Molasses, turtles, slow cookers, PCs…

Ed Carpenter
(the return of) Fuzzy’s Vodka: “The perfect drink for full-time ride searching and celebrating. Now drink more.”

Ryan Hunter-Reay
Super Glue: “Unlike EVERY other sponsor, we’re stickin’ around.”

Alex Tagliani
Canada: “Supporting our ONE full-time driver.”
Associate sponsors: Fanimation, Fast Times Indoor Karting

Tomas Scheckter
ASPCA (Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals): “Loving animals. Overlooking the shooting of rodents in kitchen with a shotgun.”
Associate sponsor: The NRA

Hideki Mutoh
Match.com: “If you don’t find an American girlfriend during the 2011 season, we’ll give you six months free.”

Helio Castroneves
H&R Block: “Getting your taxes done… RIGHT.”
Associate sponsor: Hugo Boss

Paul Tracy
Dual sponsorship – NYSE & Weather.com: “Totally unpredictable.”
Associate sponsor: Top Gear (Might as well come out with it, PT…)

Vitor Meira
A.J. Foyt himself: “Because I can.”

Alex Lloyd
Publishers of self-help book, “Dealing with an Unreasonable Partner”
“When you can’t count on your partner, count on yourself. And win ROTY while you’re at it.”

Danica Patrick
Walmart: “Might as well start marketing to NASCAR fans now.”
Associate sponsor: National Mobile Home Association

Graham Rahal
Katie Osborne: “98.2% of Graham’s tweets are about me. This is an equal opportunity relationship.”
Associate sponsor: Panera Bread

Mike Conway
Scary Halloween movies: “90% terrifying, 10% entertaining… then, unfortunately, gone ‘til next year.”
Associate sponsor: Corey Ashenfelter (@its_meatball)

Mario Moraes
Hatworld/LIDS: “If you can’t go around it, get on top.”
Associate sponsor: Stern Pinball Machines

Simona de Silvestro
Ice cream: “Everyone loves ice cream. Everyone loves Simona. BAM.”
Associate sponsors: Everyone who is currently sponsoring Danica.

EJ Viso
GapKids: “If the pants fit…”
(Editor’s note: “Hi… pot? This is kettle. You’re black.”)

Jay Howard
Depends Adult Diapers: “Tweeting about sharting = Depends.”

Tony Kanaan
Any of 7-11’s competition: “Show 7-11 how effing dumb they are. Buy stuff from us.”
Associate sponsor: The Indiana State Fair

Rafael Matos
Saltine Crackers: “Nice to have around but not all that spicy.”
Associate sponsor: Brazilian waxing

Other suggestions are welcome for 2012. Share yours below.

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