HE’S got big balls. And SHE’S got big balls. But who’s got the biggest… balls of them all?
Oh. Hi neighbor. Sorry about that. I was thinking about picks for the season. Hold on while I put down my air guitar.
So… how’ve you been? Enjoyed some tea and crumpets this offseason, did ya? Spent a little time visiting the relatives? Well stop it. It’s race season. Send the wifey out with the kiddies to do some family stuff because you need to focus. (Note: To my female readers – all two of you – change “the wifey” to “that dude you’re with” and let’s move on).
Before we get into this week’s picks, one quick note. When I made my 2010 season predictions last fall (click here if ya missed ‘em), I said I expected McDonalds to return as Graham’s sponsor. Not only was I the exact opposite of correct, I never in my WILDEST dreams would have figured he would sign with Sarah Fisher. Yes, it’s only two races currently, but come on – clearly I published the “I’m being punk’d” post a wee bit too early.
What a hot mess. Speaking of hot…
Brazil. Ahhh, Brazil, you saucy little town. I was recently informed that Brazilian women are among the most beautiful in the whole world… until they turn 35. So to all of you men who are lucky enough to be going to the season-opener, I have two pieces of advice. One: Enjoy the scenery. Two: Learn how to say, “No thanks, I don’t want syphllis” in Portugese. You’re welcome.
This is the inaugural race in Sao Paulo. So exciting to see new courses being added to the schedule, even though some of the best ones (ahem, Milwaukee Mile) are being dropped like Mario Moraes’ women. I’m not bitter. (I’m bitter). Since we don’t have any track history, I’m asking for a tiny bit of slack on my picks for this one. Throw me a frickin’ bone here. I’m a tiny little woman and it’s a really big track. Sweet Jezebel – are you still reading this? Let’s get to the picks already.
First race – first pick. I’m going with Tony Kanaan, baby. TK came out strong in 2009 with top-five finishes in the first three races, two of them on street courses. More importantly, this is Kanaan’s home town. If you don’t recognize the Brazilian pride radiating from this guy, then you don’t know the essence that IS Tony Kanaan. If that’s not enough, it’s my humble opinion that Andretti Autosport might be stepping up their game this year. Because so help me, if I have to watch one more Penske/ Ganassi battle with no other team in sight, I’m going to… well, I’ll just…
Can I stop for a second here? I’m gonna throw this out there. Lately, I’ve seen a lot of tweets and comments from the IndyCar nation threatening to stop watching if this happens or that happens. Whether it’s the Delta Wing or Randy Bernard or whatever – you’re going to stop watching IndyCar altogether? Really? REALLY? I think the Delta Wing is ridiculous too, but I’m not going to abandon the sport if the league adopts it. I’ll just suck it up (careful boys) until the next redesign. Here’s my point: If you’re that fair-weather, then the IndyCar nation will be fine without you. Don’t let the door hit ya on the chassis on the way out. Annnnnd… scene.
Second pick… Milka Duno. Ahahahahaha – I’m such a jokester.
I’ll take Ryan Briscoe. First race out of the gate last year went to Briscoe. He followed that up with two more wins and seven… count ‘em… SEVEN second-place finishes. I’m fairly certain he’s still recovering from the Homestead Hangover and doesn’t want to be the number-two man anymore. Plus, he probably doesn’t want this to happen EVER again…
Final pick. Tomas Sheckter. Damn it.
I’m taking Ryan Hunter-Reay. What? Two Andretti Autosport guys, you say? Hell to the yea. He’s the new face of the IZOD IndyCar Series, he’s got a new team, a new ride – I say we sit back and let him do his THANG. You know… lean wit it. Rock wit it. I’m certainly not basing this on 2009, which wasn’t fabulous, but RHR had his stellar moments. I do, however, think 2010 offers him a lot of potential and hope to see him harness it. See how I got through that whole paragraph without mentioning that everything’s gonna be alright? Gold star.
So the true question is this: Are you guys ready? Are you as effin’ pumped as I am?! And most importantly – who does have the biggest balls of them all? Here’s to a colossal, historic, balls-to-the-wall season. Now go practice your Portuguese.