In Case You’re Confused: Brickyard Edition

A funny thing happened on my way to nowhere yesterday. I hopped on the treadmill, which I hate, but it was hot as Satan’s nipples in Indy. Usually I turn on ESPN but as I flipped channels, I happened to catch a local news station’s pre-race coverage of the Brickyard 400. Lucky me. In the hour that followed, I was privy to some of the most breath-taking nonsense this side of the Mississippi.

And so I bring you… the top three interviews that make you proud to be an IndyCar fan:

Interview #1: The women of NASCAR.
I can only imagine that this story idea went something like this:
Dude 1: “We need some story ideas.”
Dude 2: “What? I wasn’t listening. There are girls here.”
Dude 1: “Here? At the Brickyard?”
Dude 2: “Yea. Weird. Let’s go talk to them.”

So here’s the premise for the story: The reporters went around asking women at the track about why they were there. The questions ranged from “How long have you been coming?” to “Who’s your favorite driver?” As you can imagine, in true redneck fashion, the women were beautiful. And none of their answers made them sound like flippin’ idiots. Psych. It was a modern-day marvel.

The women liked the drivers because they were cute. They didn’t really enjoy the racing but the cars were “cool.” And then, low and behold, came my personal favorite. When asked about brand loyalty, and whether the advertising mattered at all to them, not one of the women said it did. ARE YOU HEARING ME, MARKETING DIRECTORS? For the thousands of you who are spending millions on advertising in the NASCAR market, the decision-makers of the house are tuning you out. Compare that to the extremely brand-loyal, higher-educated, higher-tax-bracket demographic of the IZOD IndyCar Series and let’s see some of that money roll in the right direction. Just sayin. Man, this soap box is high. Can someone get me a step stool?

IndyCar – 1, NASCAR – 0.

Interview #2: When beer is more important than your friends…
So we move on to the next interview, which takes place in what can only be described as a regular-tent-turned-beer-tent. The shot is of five or six lonely-looking people who have about $750 worth of ribs cooking on their grill. The backdrop is 40+ cases of beer, neatly stacked as if they were building some kind of Coors Light compound. Pfft. Your first mistake is the Coors Light. When building a beer fortress, always go with imports. Rookie mistake.

Anyway, here’s the theme of this gem: These people used to have a HUGE group of party comrades who united at the Brickyard each year to drink and enjoy the race (really, just drink… let’s be honest). This year, because of the economy, most of their friends just couldn’t afford it. Three things that come to mind: 1) Racing (despite the fact that it’s NASCAR, which I’m willing to forgive) is life. If your friends don’t recognize that, get new friends. 2) I heard that general admission Brickyard 400 tickets are $40. You can get into the infield at the 500 for $20. Something is wrong here. 3) You losers have clearly spent more than a grand on meat and beer. You couldn’t have donated some of that money to your poor friend’s outreach program so they can be there too?

IndyCar – 2, NASCAR – 0.

Interview #3: If your perception of reality is THIS far off, you might be a redneck.
The bad news is that I never caught the name of the guy in this last interview. The good news is that he’s so far removed from reality that it doesn’t really matter.

The reporters seemed excited to be able to introduce this guy, who appeared to be one of the higher-ups in the NASCAR executive team. However, he said he was spending his day going from suite to suite, encouraging people to keep coming out. They already have people to do that, sir. They’re called beer girls.

Best part of the interview: When asked about the Brickyard 400 and whether or not there had been talks of adding a NASCAR road course race, he says, “The Brickyard 400 is the crown jewel at IMS,” but there have been talks about the possibility of another race. Crown… effing… jewel. This just after they interviewed the traffic lady who said, “Surprisingly, the roads are all clear. Feel free to come on out – you shouldn’t have a problem. Or you can watch it on tv from the comfort of your couch and not have to worry about heat and dehydration.” That’s one way to advertise. Well, lady, if you put it that way…

And thus, the result was 150,000 fans in attendance (a generous estimate, according to the Indy Star’s Curt Cavin). Yes, clearly the 350,000 fans that come out for the Indy 500 are missing out on this “crown jewel.” How silly of us.

In comparison, Randy Bernard was asked almost the same question at the Carb Night Burger Bash this year. When the possibility of adding an IndyCar road course at IMS came up, he simply stated that it wasn’t likely, as he didn’t want to take away from the prestige of the Indy 500.

IndyCar – 3, NASCAR – 0.

Well, that about does it for this edition of “Why NASCAR Blows.” To sum up, you should be an IndyCar fan. Thanks for tuning in. Stay classy, San Diego. Back to you.

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16 responses to “In Case You’re Confused: Brickyard Edition

  • Kayla

    My dad asked me if I was watching the race yesterday since it was at Indy. I said no, just because NASCAR was at my beloved IMS does not mean I will watch it.

  • rico500

    IMPORTED beer? What’re ya, some kinda Obammer-votin’, Ivy-league attendin’, furrin racecar-driver-watchin’ wine-drinkin’ elitist? And all you furrin drivers… speak English!!! Specially that dago Hulio Castervoers.

  • Bri Kupfer

    Yep, that NASCAR…pride of Florida right there. Wait…..that reminds me, has ANYTHING good come out of Florida? Ever? It’s the place people go to die, or kill their brain cells. Or maybe I’ve just lived here too long, lol

    • Richard

      Ryan Hunter-Reay is from Florida. Tom Petty, too, his music’s okay.

      • the_race_gIRL

        Boys, boys, play nice in the sandbox together or I’m taking away your pails and shovels. Florida has produced some other lovely things as well, like oranges and the hanging Chad. Not to mention that LeBron is headed there, and I’m CERTAIN it’s because of the beautiful weather, and NOT all the bikini babes that will chant “Ay, Papi” as they run down the beach, Baywatch style.

        What were we talking about? And Bri – you live there. Own it.

  • Ryan Worden

    IndyCar 4? The pole speed of the race this weekend was eclipsed in Indycar in 1972… by 13 mph. Watching those giant lumbering cars stroll around my hallowed ground makes me sick.

  • Don

    I said on Facebook yesterday and Ill say it again: I have determined that after hearing Jim Nabors sing Back Home again in Indianaa (Teary eyed) and witnessed my 1st Indy500 this year, that any other race @ IMS would be a disappointment.

    • DZ

      Congratulations, Don! You are infected with the Indy 500 virus for which there is no known cure except to return every year for your annual exposure. I too become misty-eyed when that baritone lets loose on the PA.

  • The Stig

    I could leave a well reasoned rant about other things NASCAR fans do, but I will just stick with saying NASCAR sucks…

  • Demond Sanders

    Let me put it this way: I’ve lived in Indy all my life. I’m not an F1 fan, but I made it a point to go to at least one USGP because it was at IMS and a history-making race.

    I don’t think I’ll ever be bored enough to go the BY400.

  • Rickie Dupont

    Nice!! I also noticed while watching the race on TV, that the stands were EMPTY as well!! Kind of funny, since N****R is supposed to be so far ahead of the game than IndyCar. They kind of remind me of the Yankees, all that money being spent and nobody cares! Indy Car for life!!

  • DZ

    race gIRL, you most certainly are the honey to my IndyCar biscuit. What’s not to love about you and your ‘IndyCar rules’ viewpoint.

    Keep up the good work!

  • TexIn

    I won four tickets to the Brickyard 400 that I would have killed to have for Indy weekend. Turn 4, way high up so you could see them coming down the back to 3, in and out of 4, and on their way home… it made me get excited when we arrived.

    Let me preface this with I am a Texan who has been in Indy for 5 years, been to the 500 each year, and become a loyal die-hard fan. Still, I had never been to a Brickyard because of my summer grad-school classes out of town. This was my first year to go, and since I was given 4 tickets, I thought it would be fun.

    Well, it wasn’t so fun once I realized no one wanted to go FOR FREE. I only had one taker on 3 free tickets.

    Well, we got there and within 100 laps I was ready to go. Growing up in TX I always had a contempt for NASCAR, now at least I can justify my distaste for that leauge… it’s not even racing compared to IRL.

    NASCAR:
    -where you can read the sponsor’s name as the car drives by
    -faster than a baseball… barely
    -where passed out women in front of me have tan lines of their thong
    -where the track is the least interesting thing happening
    -where racing used to happen

    God bless the IRL.

    • Rickie Dupont

      I agree with TexIn all the way!! AND, since IZOD took over, I now believe N****R is on it’s way out the door!!! Go IZOD IndyCar Series!

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